Forgiveness, Trust and Mercy | Christopher Tolliver

By Christopher Tolliver · November 13, 2026 · 5-minute read

Forgiveness does not begin by deciding that the wrong was harmless. If no wrong had been done, there would be nothing to forgive. The love of Jesus gives us a way to face what happened without allowing revenge to become the purpose of our lives.

That matters because Christian language can be used carelessly. Someone says, “Just forgive,” when another person is still trying to tell the truth. Someone demands peace while refusing to acknowledge the injury. We should not use a beautiful word to close a conversation that needs honesty. Nor should we turn every wound into permission to wound someone else.

Forgiveness does not ask us to hide the truth

In Ephesians 4:25–32, Paul brings truthfulness, anger, speech, kindness and forgiveness into the same instruction. The people who are told to forgive are also told to stop lying. The people who must put away bitterness must also take responsibility for the words they speak. Christian forgiveness belongs within a changed way of living, not a performance in which everyone acts as though nothing happened. God’s forgiveness in Christ is the pattern; our ability to conceal a problem is not.

The command searches both sides of a broken relationship. Have I used another person’s failure to justify cruelty? Have I demanded that someone forgive me while I continue the very conduct that harmed them? It is easier to defend our position than to let the Word examine our behavior. Love requires that examination.

Correction and mercy belong together

Jesus does not set correction against mercy. In Luke 17:3–4, He instructs His disciples to rebuke a brother who sins and to forgive when that brother repents, even repeatedly. The passage does not tell us to rename sin as a misunderstanding. Neither does it let us treat a repentant person as permanently beyond mercy. It holds truthful confrontation and generous forgiveness together. A loving response can name the wrong without deciding that the wrongdoer can never change.

Christians explain the relationship between repentance and forgiveness in different ways. Some distinguish an inward willingness to forgive from the restored relationship that follows repentance. Others describe the inward release of resentment itself as forgiveness. We should be clear about what we mean rather than using the disagreement to excuse either vengeance or denial. These verses do not require us to pretend that repentance has occurred when it has not.

You can refuse revenge without controlling the outcome

Paul’s counsel in Romans 12:17–21 is equally practical. Refuse repayment of evil with evil. Pursue peace as far as it depends on you. Leave vengeance with God, and respond to an enemy’s need with good rather than retaliation. Notice the limit in the instruction about peace: your faithfulness does not give you control over another person’s choices. You can refuse revenge without possessing the power to make the relationship whole by yourself.

That distinction offers both a challenge and relief. The challenge is that I cannot make another person’s repentance a condition for abandoning my own plan to hurt them. The relief is that I am not required to manufacture an outcome that depends on their response. My obedience is real even when the situation remains painful and unresolved.

Forgiveness and trust are not identical

As a pastoral application, forgiveness should not be used to demand instant trust or unrestricted access. Trust concerns whether someone has become reliable. It cannot be produced by insisting that another person feel safe. Honest accountability, appropriate boundaries and time may be part of rebuilding what was damaged. They are not automatically evidence of hatred. Equally, calling something a boundary does not make spite righteous. The question is whether we are pursuing truth and good or finding a respectable name for revenge.

Bring the whole matter before the Lord: the hurt, the anger, the desire for justice, and the temptation to retaliate. Ask Him for the grace to speak truth without cruelty and to receive repentance without contempt. The aim is not to win the argument about who is more spiritual. It is to walk in the love of Christ without turning away from truth.

A practical way to respond

Before your next conversation, write down the specific wrong without exaggeration. Name the behavior rather than assigning a motive you cannot know. Then consider what you are asking for: an honest acknowledgment, an end to the conduct, repair of the damage, or help from a trustworthy person who can support accountability.

If you are the one who caused harm, resist the urge to make your apology a demand. “I have apologized, so you must trust me now” makes the other person responsible for relieving your discomfort. A more honest response accepts responsibility without excuses and gives changed conduct time to become visible. This is a practical application of truthful, loving conduct, not a guarantee that every relationship will be restored.

If you are being threatened or harmed, do not use this article as a reason to remain in danger. Seek safety and appropriate help. Forgiveness is not permission for another person to continue harming you.

You may need to bring the matter to God more than once. The return of a painful memory does not, by itself, prove that your earlier decision was false. Ask what you will do with the pain today. Will you nurture retaliation, or choose a truthful response that does not repay evil with evil?

Read the passages for yourself

Keep each passage in context rather than turning one sentence into a rule that silences another person. The reflections above distinguish biblical instruction from practical pastoral application.

Continue reading

Love and discernment belong together. Read How to Test a Prophetic Word Without Becoming Cynical, or browse more biblical encouragement.

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